hey get a load of this guy

Aubrey Plaza: still a tremendous babe

2011-01-12T14:26:00.001+01:00

With the season premier of Parks and Recreation fast approaching, it's got me thinking about heygetaloadofthisguy's last babe-of-the-century-of-the-week, Aubrey Plaza. I still haven't moved on, and clips like this aren't helping.

'Is killing people mean?' House of Representatives to decide

2011-01-12T13:41:00.006+01:00

From CNN: Proposed House resolution condemns 'horrific' Arizona attack

Thank GOD that the House is taking a tough stance on the controversial issue of indiscriminate murder. Let's just hope this thing passes without too much resistance! Here's looking at you Ron Paul, you contrarian renegade you.

Now, this is obviously a special kind of tragedy that deserves a special kind of commerative handling, but does highlight one of the silliest wastes of time our government engages in. "Supporting the goals and ideals of American Craft Beer Week." That is something important politikz people actually voted on! HAAAHA

camels are disgusting

2011-01-02T02:39:00.000+01:00

I tried out the frothy mouth technique on an Egyptian girl this weekend; she called an ambulance.

nerd jokes

2010-12-20T22:36:00.005+01:00

Haa, ad ops jokes are funny.

From: flynn

Subject: holiday break

Date: 20 December 2010 11:04:22 GMT

Hello friends,

I'd like to work out my holiday schedule and need to get a sense of what kind of availability you'll be needing from me.

The UK office will be closed from the 24th to the 5th. If during that time you'll need support, I'm available, but will need to know a bit in advance. Please circulate to your teams so they can consider this for any campaigns they may have active or upcoming.

Thank you, and have a great holiday

From: Jesse

Subject: Re: holiday break

Date: 20 December 2010 21:14:25 GMT

To: flynn

Well there's a new Dutch campaign for a small local grocery store chain that needs to flight on December 24th, 11:59, manually, and then shut down 12 hours later, again manually, with gutters and companions and slaves and masters, but the FLA files they sent us need to be figured out, and yeah, this is for six different markets around belgium. Email danka@dankasgroceries.nl and her teenage son will send you the FLA files. Total budget is good though, about $233, so well worth the effort. Thanks.

You should watch MTV tonight, really!

2010-12-07T01:45:00.005+01:00

I know you haven't tuned in since Laguna Beach went off the air, but tonight The Vice Guide to Everything premiers at 11p/10c on MTV. It's a great show that I didn't have anything to do with, but watch and support people that I like.

If you're one of those rustics that doesn't own a tv, you can watch the non-sequentially posted 2nd episode here and see "tattooed dreamboat Ryan Duffy" shoot the shit with a Russian mobster/convicted murderer.

The Merchant of Venice at Broadhurst

2010-11-28T21:37:00.013+01:00

I had the chance to see The Merchant of Venice at the Broadhurst Theatre over the holiday. It's the production featuring Al Pacino as Shylock. If you'd seen Michael Radford's 2004 film adaptation with Pacino in the same role, you wouldn't have been surprised by how perfect he is as Shylock. If you hadn't (I hadn't) you'd have found him to be shockingly perfect. I unfairly expected him to be this anachronistic novelty casting, but dude owned it. If you're interested in having a look for yourself, check out in the aforementioned movie, if only to get a few looks at one of the most underappreciated babes of our time, Lynn Collins.

Pacino wasn't the only stand out. There was of course Lily Rabe as Portia, but less obvious was the class clown of the group; Lancelot Gobo, played by a guy named Christopher Fitzgerald. He looked like some nerdy 22 year old, and I was all excited to announce him as the next big thing, but he's apparently about 40 years old and already a well established and acclaimed stage actor. Either way, he got a lot of well deserved laughs, and I'd like to see more of him.
The other subtle stars were the dude who played Jim in Murphy Brown and a gentleman named Isaiah Johnson. As 2 of Portia's suitors, each had under 5 minutes of stage time, but managed to churn out some of the most memorable comedic moments of the play.

But forget all that, my favorite cast member was major babe, Liza J. Bennett. She spent most of the play wondering around the background moving chairs around as one of Portia's maid's, and didn't have a single line. Had we not been so close to the stage, she would have surely gone unnoticed, but thankfully we were right up front which made it impossible to miss her grace and babeness. The one time she did make some noise, it was to sing harmony on the one brief musical number of the show, and she sings beautifully. Whoever decided not to give her lines is a dick. If any of you know her, set me up.

All in all, it was a great production and if you get a chance to see it, do so. It was nice to have a positive experience with Shakespeare after that disappointing one in Lyon, where the only performance that held my interest was the violent vomiting.

a lazy comeback

2010-11-28T20:15:00.004+01:00

Oh, hey. I haven't posted in over a month, so thanks for still checking in if you're still checking in. I've been busy bouncing around and now I've landed in NY again. I'll be living in the East Village for a month or two or three before returning to France, so if you're around and would like to drink a million beers let me know.

2010-10-12T15:52:00.001+02:00

When Ginni Thomas tells a cheering crowd of Virginia Tea Partiers that "we are ruled by an elite that thinks it knows better than we know," who, or what, does she want to put in its place?

Start Poor. Work Hard. Do Well. Be Hated Anyway.

the bream team

2010-10-02T01:41:00.009+02:00

It's like if Michael Keaton were a classical guitarist

via Avi Davis

celebrate restraint

2010-09-26T15:22:00.002+02:00

There is nothing in this world more embarrassing than watching a group of people trying to coordinate high-fives on Cash Cab, and I once farted in jew-church.

The Bob Lauder Band

2010-09-25T21:06:00.011+02:00

This is my uncle's band (he's not Bob). Go see them at the Mt Airy Smokin BBQ Showdown if you're in the Baltimore/DC area and are a good, honest, meat-eating American.

Six White Horses by The Bob Lauder Band

sheeeeeeeeeeeit

2010-09-24T14:27:00.009+02:00

via Drisdan

30 Rock is still very funny

2010-09-24T13:52:00.002+02:00

There was this:

Liz: "Who flies Newark to Atlantic City?"

Matt Damon: "Black bachelorette parties."

Then there was this:

Jack Donaghy: "If I give in, I'm no longer the alpha in my house. Before you know it she'll have me wearing jeans and reading fiction. "

And there was other stuff too.

Also, I never realised how into Elizabeth Banks I am, until last night when I genuinely missed her Avery character. I think she may be the next babeofthecenturyoftheweek, if he doesn't beat her to it:

The road Lit with regret

2010-08-26T15:15:00.001+02:00

Chris Spargo of the !ndex is having a birthday party next Thursday, and because I won't be there I'd like to send someone awesome in my place. Everyone knows the best place to find awesome people is on Craigslist, so it's there I've begun my search. If any of you are interested in attending and meet all of the requirements, well then I've grossly underestimated the weirdness of my audience. The jovial Kari Keohane has decided the night will kick off at "Whiskey Town...then accidentally Lit." It's always accidental, isn't it?

2010-08-22T00:13:00.008+02:00

Look, dudes. Now heygetaloadofthisguy is a songwriter too. Excuse the quality, but I don't yet have a microphone, or have any idea what I'm doing. Now who wants to master these/start a band?

"Who is the lady singing with you in 2012? She sounds pretty," said my sister about my girly little princess voice.

three thumbs

2010-08-19T03:05:00.005+02:00

freezer burn

2010-08-12T15:54:00.013+02:00

look, dudes. now heygetaloadofthisguy is a comic strip too.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary of muscles

2010-08-10T01:09:00.002+02:00

The Jersey Shore is back, and making me jealous. Why can't I have a nickname that honors my muscles?

Henceforth you shall refer to me as The Dictionary, because my muscles are ~~useful when playing scrabble~~ well defined.

Here is Toth's take on their return...

get a load of inspiration

2010-08-01T20:30:00.007+02:00

I have a game I like to play. Go on facebook, just kind of click around until you land on a stranger's profile page (mutual friends are fine), and try really hard not to look at the profile picture. It's pretty easy; just block the majority of the left side of the screen with your hand. Then, read his/her 'favorite quote' and try to guess what he/she looks like in as much detail as possible. What do you imagine this starry-eyed dreamer looks like?

go die elsewhere, bitch

2010-07-30T01:16:00.003+02:00

At 54 seconds, 2010's "don't taze me bro."

I'm pretty sure she throws that big gulp on the suicidal woman as well.

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PEA PUREE?

2010-07-30T00:58:00.004+02:00

You all watch Top Chef, right? Of course you do. If last season's talent pool was the Beverly Hills Hotel, season 7's is of the piss-filled kiddy variety. But one still hopes for the contestants to be judged on the shittiness of THEIR OWN food. That pea debacle was really infuriating, and leaving the case unsolved is unacceptable on the part of the producers. Alex Reznik needs to be stripped of his medal, and have his picture pulled from the walls of The Palm, in a classic cashiering.
Commenter Keith K left a brilliant idea about how to crack the case on Colicchio's post about the incident, and I suggest the Top Chef top dogs take note.

My friend started a blog for nerds

2010-07-20T00:02:00.001+02:00

Si vous comprenez le francais, ou plus important encore si vous comprenez le nerd, decouvrez Three Headed Monkeys.

http://threeheadedmonkeys.blogspot.com/

Now get out of here before I give you a swirly, NERD!

dudes that look like other dudes

2010-07-16T18:10:00.002+02:00

Am I right, again?

Slovenia's Milivoje Novakovic and America's Crispin Glover

chicks that look like dudes that dress up like other dudes

2010-07-14T09:09:00.002+02:00

Am I right?

Broccoli Lestrange

2010-07-13T22:58:00.002+02:00

Found this in my spam-folder. The name is so good I might even buy the magic pills.

Roundup: Portugal

2010-07-10T14:53:00.013+02:00

If you've spoken to me in the past year or have ever read this blog, you know that I firmly believe the world will end it 2012. That's why I quit a job I liked very much (sometimes) to go to France and have adventures until the apocalypse arrives.

But the truth is, my life isn't very adventurous. I live in a lovely spacious apartment, have a shower with great water-pressure, watch Top Chef on megavideo, and eat at Subway every now and then. Sometimes I get jealous of people like John James who get exotic diseases, wrestle with proboscis monkeys, and have to blog in Sanskrit. People living proper adventures, far removed from the style of life they're accustomed to.

But then I do something like spend a blissfully relaxing week in Portugal, and realize that eating dinner with a linen table cloth and separate dessert fork is exactly how I should pass the last 2 years of human existence; in amplified western comfort.

When Goncalo invited us to his place in the country, I didn't realize his place is a country. About a 45 minute drive outside of Évora, it's somehow bigger than the whole of Portugal while actually in Portugal. The amount of land was astounding, and every inch of it looked like something Andrew Wyeth had painted. The first night there we ate a chicken fresh from the coop in the front of the house, drank wine from a vineyard down the road, and hung out with an Olympic-winning driving horse. Casa de Goncala also looked out on a massive, private lake. Being the only boat in the water, we had all day to cruise around unhindered being extreme bros on every sort of board imaginable. It was my first time wake-boarding, and as if I wasn't bro-ey enough already, it's my new obsession. I'm one pair of white Oakleys and board shorts away from being this guy.

After a couple of days at the manor, we headed further south to camp along the coast. The beaches are pristine, but you have to work for the best ones. The most impressive was a cove that can only be accessed by descending a steep cliff with the aid of a rope. It was the kind of beautiful that makes me want to write poems and wear beads in my hair.
To access the next one, we had to march about 2km through the Portuguese Congo. It would have been a lot easier with machetes, but instead we were armed with coolers full of Super Bock and beach-soccer balls. Being from Jersey, I'm used to sharing the beach with wild animals, but was nevertheless surprised when a herd of goats marched down the cliffs and began strutting their summer mutton bods all over the beach.
The final camp spot was about a 30 minute drive down a craggily path off of the "main" road. It's apparently a hot-spot for drug imports, which it's well suited for with a lot of privacy amongst the rocks. We managed to avoid any menacing drug dealers, but were harassed for hours by an intrepid fox intent on stealing something from our grill. It failed. The next morning we did have a run-in with some park police, who were probably searching for drug dealers but instead found a group of illegal campers with business degrees. Our Portuguese host, Pedro, gave the ranger my identification, somehow convincing him that he was an American with an Irish last-name, living in France, all while speaking fluent Portuguese without a trace of a foreign accent and having a face like Vasco da Gama. We were left with a bewildered warning.

Between all the camping, we were able to enjoy some nice Portuguese cuisine, and explore the villages which have as much charm as you'd expect and offer all of that Western comfort I relish.

-a cultural observation : Their public restrooms rarely have soap.
-a disgusting observation: Cleaning out one's ears with a q-tip after a week of beach camping is like pulling the snail from the shell of escargot.

Thus concludes the roundup, I may update with a few photos. Go to Portugal before the apocalypse.

The Rocketeer II - Absurdity in the Air

2010-06-29T22:33:00.004+02:00

Just heard about Big Baby Becky hijacking the anniversary of MLK's pivotal speech at the Lincoln Memorial. Maybe he got confused with Martin Luther, maybe not. Either way I'm not at all surprised.

Here's an old joke that's still funny:
Anti-Obama Pamphlets Fall From The Sky
The culprit?

Today, I, Mr America, miss America

2010-06-23T21:36:00.004+02:00

via Stevil at AHTBM

fast food mutinerie

2010-06-21T16:56:00.009+02:00

So this happened and now France is in ruins. The story is already inescapable, but additionally we have to see this every 5 ft.

Donc c'est arrivé et maintenant la France est en ruines. L'histoire est déjà inéluctable, mais de plus nous devons voir ça tous les 5 m.

Here's an edit.
Voici une modification.

nicolas anleka... quick retire ses pubs. anelka parodie pub Quick

misleading design: The Situation

2010-06-21T12:08:00.004+02:00

The Situation is releasing a dance-rap single. This is the cover.

Is that Helvetica? Whatever it is, it's very understated. I expected something Gothic or a decorative typeface with flames. Something over the top and loud to reflect his personality. Something that could go on an MMA t-shirt or a strip-club flyer. But this,
this could be a Yanni album. Even his shirt and necklace are New Age. Is dude trading in gym-tanning-laundry for mind- body-spirit? Listen to 20 seconds of the song and you'll find that, well, no. Just another case of misleading design.

I'd post a link to the song, but I don't want the kind of people who are looking for it to stumble across heygetaloadofthisguy (people like me).

blog sabbatical

2010-06-11T14:33:00.001+02:00

It's difficult to justify a vacation when my life is a vacation, but I'm taking one anyway. I'll be in Portugal for the next week-and-some-days, filling in for Christiano Ronaldo's abs while he's away in South Africa. See you in a bit.
-Flynn

to get a load of this guy, til death do you part

2010-06-11T14:14:00.005+02:00

Heygetaloadofthisguy has seen an increase in female readers lately (I force all the prostitutes I bring home to read my blog) so I've decided to indulge the new demographic. This will be the first of probably one post in the same vein as whatever Sarah Jessica Parker's character writes on Sex in the City. Here goes, in pink to better resonate with the audience...

Because you're a chick, you obviously want to get married, soon. Whether you have a long-term man who's slow to put a ring on it, or you want to accelerate a new romance, this is the secret for you!

Men are reluctant to take the plunge because they fear it will hamper their fun. Fun-hampering could mean less time to play God of War III, monogamy, or fewer opportunities to fart in bed and binge drink on weekdays. The trick is to override all of these reasonable concerns with completely unreasonable expectations of fun.

I found this in a used record shop in Paris. Holy shit, look at how much fun they're having. Out of control. Show this to your man and I promise you, he will instantly turn into Matthew McConaughey at the end of every movie he has ever been in. By the time he realizes that a party of its equal is virtually impossible, and that you won't even allow the best man who is dressed up like Sgt Pepper to be in any of the wedding photos, the papers will have already been signed and your friends will have to catch up to YOU in their life-plans. Vive la mariée!

Spargicles - overwrought by gossip

2010-06-10T02:40:00.011+02:00

Chris Spargo is a hero of mine, who writes for HollywoodLife.com . Up until a few months ago, I thought those to be mutually exclusive. Just kidding Chris, you live in NY and actually have a job as a writer; be proud.

I like to support my bros by feigning interest in what they do, and so today I decided to skim Chris' contributions to HWL in order to more effectively do so. Good God. His portfolio should be called the "!!!!!! Chronicles." Of 71 articles, THREE were titled without the use of exclamation points- 95.8% of the Spargicles contain at least one exclamation point. Reading through them all consecutively is like being Precious standing at the top of the stairs while the big lady from The Parkers hurls insults at 194 decibels.

So which 3 didn't make the cut?

Body of Murder Suspect Drew Peterson's Fourth Wife May Have Been Discovered.
Actor Dennis Hopper Laid to Rest in New Mexico.
Heidi Montag Are You & Your BFF Jennifer Bunney Also Plastic Surgery Sisters?

This could mean that the only subjects Chris finds serious enough to remain austere in his writing are death and plastic surgery, and the absence of !!!!!!!!s is the presence of tastefulness. OR, it could mean that he's aloof and unaffected by death, and in the case of Heidi Montag and that other chick, unsure of the most stylistic way to couple a question mark with an exclamation point. "Interrobang? That Mexican inverse?" ?!?!?!?!?!interroBANG!

Have a look for yourself...

Finally, here's a little kick in the SEO-pants for that lovable lanky cynic of ours:
Chris Spargo HollywoodLife
Chris Spargo HollywoodLife
Chris Spargo HollywoodLife

update:
Just checked again, and another 3 titles were added. All include an exclamation point, bringing the !ndex to a whopping 95.95

album review - Band of Horses : Infinite Arms

2010-06-09T16:04:00.003+02:00

It sucks.

what's the deal with dying? staying jacked in space

2010-06-08T13:57:00.007+02:00

Lately, I've been obsessively watching Six Feet Under (dubbed) with the pretense of developing my French. It got me thinking about death more than a healthy amount.

As you well know, Professor of Vacillating Postmortem Science at MIT, Dr LJ. Jakobenson, has already proven what happens after death. We all go to outer-space where we ride tandem cr-mo bicycles with swimsuit models (except for those who ride fixed-gear in this life; they will be our servants in the next) and eat confit de canard with Townes Van Zandt.

Just in case I die before the rest of you do in 2012, I'd like to arrange everything now. In lieu of a lawyer it seems sensible to just do it here on heygetaloadofthisguy.

stuff: It's really all up for grabs. If you've seen something you like, and are a solid bro of mine -chicks obviously included- feel free to ask my family and it's yours. Don't be timid. It may be uncomfortable for a moment, but it'd be a tragedy far greater than my death to let my mounted sailfish just collect dust in the attic for the next howevermany years, only to be fished out of the garbage (suck on that pun) by an unappreciative stranger. Although, I came into possession of that sailfish when raiding the dusty attic of a dead stranger, and profited greatly from it (thanks Todd Feinberg!). Scratch that, everything except for the sailfish is up for grabs.

money: Ha. I retired 8 months ago, are you kidding?

funeral: I couldn't care less what happens at the ceremony. I have only one request: the girl-to-guy ratio be at least 5 to 1

burial: Two requests here: 1) I'd like to be buried in one of those eco-caskets. 2) I'd like to be buried with as much protein powder as will fit into an eco-casket, so that I can stay jacked in space. Feel free to dump the powder directly into the eco-casket to maximize capacity.

See you in space
-Flynn

High Fives for August Sander

2010-06-07T23:28:00.013+02:00

Photography is gay. Everyone knows that. Any no-talent schmo can pick up a camera, take a million shots, get lucky with a few, and then tell all the hot babes in Brooklyn that he is an artist.
(the sole exception to the gay rule is popographie.fr )

Being moved by art is also gay. Everyone knows that. But despite my best efforts, sometimes it happens. Even to a super-ripped dude like me.

I was lucky enough to come across August Sander's work while visiting the Tate Modern. On display was the central project of his career, People of the Twentieth Century. The series documents Germans from all walks of life, beginning on the heels of WWI through the Third Reich. The photos speak for themselves, and I'm sure he'd have produced something equally captivating regardless of where/when he was working, but obviously the back-story adds a lot of intrigue. Here are a few that I like very much, and if they interest you enough you can get the full set here.

pinkys are useless anyway

2010-05-29T12:00:00.002+02:00

I lost my pinky in a sardine-fishing accident. After today's post, I'll be writing this blog avoiding the letters a,q, and z. I hope you don't have a thing for indefinite articles!

get lod of this...

beautifully maniacal

2010-05-21T00:36:00.005+02:00

Some nerd sent Street Carnage a rambling letter titled Jocks are Fags, in which he rips on muscles and sports and everything that is good in this world. For some reason, Street Carnage decided to publish it.

But look what I came across in the comments section:

"You are weak. When the apocalypse comes I will wear your skin as a raincoat."

My reaction was just to call the guy a pussy, but Waxwing over here managed to do so by crafting the most beautiful verse I've ever read. I plan to appropriate it and make it my catchphrase; I've already been trying out various intonations in the mirror.

Not only is dude a defender of jocks, but Waxwing Slain is a reference to the Nabokov novel, Pale Fire. Never read it, but intend to, and love Nabokov's style and appreciate a meat-head that can appreciate it as well.

"What's a not-gay way to ask him to go camping with me?"
- Ron Swanson

LASER WIN

2010-05-17T16:41:00.007+02:00

How do you like them apples, Schmidty?

babe of the century (of the week): Aubrey Plaza

2010-05-17T15:23:00.005+02:00

Do you know who Aubrey Plaza is? Good god, you should. What a major babe. Every few years I suffer through an unattainable celebrity crush, that really isn't a crush at all but an acute infatuation that renders all other women eh. Senior year of highschool, it was Beyonce (during my hating white people stage), then I moved on to Penelope Cruz which lasted a couple of years, and then Famke Johnson for a brief stretch. Ms Plaza is my latest, and has been for a good 6 months at this point. She's beautiful, hilarious, and a little bit ethnic!

The other night I was having trouble sleeping, so I decided to pass the time into the wee hours of the morning digging up all the Aubrey Plaza videos I could find. If I were fat or had bad teeth, it would have definitely qualified as creepy internet stalking, but because I'm me it might have been romantic.
My favorite thing about her is that knowing glance she gives the camera from time to time on Parks and Recreation. You can see it below at 18 seconds, 34 seconds, and then at 1:26 .

Fortunately it's an all around solid show, but if it were just a bunch of senior citizens reading trigonometric functions I'd still watch every week as long as Aubrey was there to throw that look a couple of times each episode.

Things I would do to be on the receiving end of that glance:
1. Bartend The Reperku Techno Festival for the full duration, both nights, instead of running away after 5 minutes.
2. Wear capri pants every day for the entire summer, like all of the other men in this city
3. Forgo doing any lat exercises for 3 months

get a load of this babe...

rosetta stone endorsements

2010-05-15T14:14:00.014+02:00

I'd like to apologize for leaving you void of guys to get a load of over the past couple of months. Anyway, here's some hot soggy blog action.

Rosetta Stone: it's expensive as shit. I really like the program, and it did a lot to help me with basic French, but not enough to justify the price-tag, which is why I got mine pirated. But at least now I understand why it's so expensive... celebrity endorsements. It's chock-full of celebs! Doing a lesson is like flipping through People Magazine.

Dakota Fanning getting her legos in order

Detective Vernon Holley from The Wire, after probably losing a bet to Bunk.

Frazier's dad

Frazier's dad's dog

Everyone in Slumdog Millionaire

Derek Jeter starting up one of those "soccer is gay and my sport is better" fights

A young David Paterson on the prowl for a mistress
(is a blind guy really going to help her read a map?)

update: Morgan Spurlock

Yet who would have thought the young man to have so much puke in him?

2010-03-06T11:39:00.004+01:00

On Thursday, I saw Macbeth at The Célestins Theatre. It was a modern production by an English company called Cheek by Jowl, in English with French subtitles. The Célestins is a big impressive theater, with a big impressive stage, and so the subtitle-screens were about 10 meters above the actors, making it impossible to read the subtitles and watch the stage simultaneously. Shakespeare is difficult enough for native English speakers to follow, for a non-native speaker it must sound like gibberish. I can't imagine any Frenchies in that theater took their eyes off of the screens throughout the entire play. Their experience was like reading Macbeth with the tv on, except they weren't able to wear pajamas or fart freely. It would have been probably been a disappointment for the Frenchies if it weren't for the excitement around mid-play: Duncan's son Malcolm, puked, and puked HARD!

It was during the scene where (Shakespearean spoiler alert) Macduff learns that his entire castle, including his family, has been slaughtered by Macbeth and Malcolm incites him to go to war. Malcolm is pretty riled up at this point, understandably so. He sees a chance to dethrone the tyrant that killed his father, and is speaking with a wild passion that must be taxing on the body. When he starts dry heaving between lines, I really began to understand how stressful the whole situation was for young Malcolm. When he runs just out of site on stage left and starts puking up a hurricane, I just thought "man, this actor is really going for it!" After what must have been a minute-long dialogue free vomit session, a stagehand came out and informed the audience (in French) that the actor had fallen ill and a short break was needed. Everyone in the theater started giggling, and with my limited understanding of French language and humor I thought it was a zany way to introduce intermission- it was modern theater, after all. I think another reason I processed it as a joke was because the stagehand looked exactly like Todd Barry. It wasn't a joke and dude was sick. In retrospect, I should have known immediately because you can't fake sick like that. I've never heard such thunderous throw-up, and on top of that the acoustics in that place are excellent. It was like being at a Gwar show if Gwar only played instruments that made puking sounds and Dave Brockie was puking into the mic instead of singing. Actually, it was exactly like being at a Gwar show.

I also realized that modern reproductions are just an excuse to avoid budgeting for wardrobe, set, and props. With the exception of one jarringly out of place scene, where a drunken pikey secretary was listening to 90's music and talking on a phone, the entire play seemed to be true to the original Macbeth. The barren stage was fine and probably status-quo for Shakespeare (right?), but everyone was dressed in identical black army fatigues which made it difficult to identify the roles of the actors, and there were no props whatsoever which made the play seem less like a high-brow cultural spectacle and more like grownups playing make-believe. Watching grown men run around playing with air-swords is a bit silly.

pubed by google

2010-03-03T13:41:00.004+01:00

Look what I came across while leaving an obnoxious comment over on Binsdick's blog. That's really mature of you, random character generator for user verification.

This would never have happened at Tumblr.

Waking up with Cahill (no homo)

2010-02-27T11:56:00.012+01:00

Every few weeks in college, Cahill would get completely shit-faced and leave hour-long (not an exaggeration) rambling messages on the phones of a few lucky folks. They were so badly slurred I was only able to pick out certain words and key phrases, similar to the way I now hear French conversation, but they were mostly Archie-Bunker-esque musings built around the word "fuck" or one if its variations. He'd also usually pick a niche topic to focus on, with really limited ties to the life of the person he was addressing. For instance, if I was heavily into soccer at the time, he'd go on for a while about some arbitrary player or something that happened in the last World Cup in inaccurate, mispronounced detail.
Waking up to one of these was like being a kid on Christmas morning (probably?). Later, the other recipients & I would share highlights and compare notes. One of my biggest regrets in life is not saving these messages. We'd probably be able to make a buck with an album full of them or at the very least turn Cahill into youtube star, but business aspirations aside I'd just love to revisit them for laughs. For me, these messages are the lost scrolls.

About 30 minutes ago, I woke up to one such phone call from Cahill, and I have absolutely no idea how he figured out how to use international calling codes in his condition. Unfortunately, my roommate answered the phone and I had to "speak" to him rather than getting a message, which was a lot more work but just as funny. The niche topic of the day was arc-building, and my favorite line was, "So what are you doing these days, other than speaking French and being a faggot?"

I'd like to wish a raging weekend to Assholespray, Biddies, Farts, and of course Cahill. I suggest everyone else stay clear of DC.

In other news from home, I got an email from Kotch yesterday. Read this...

Shiiiiiiit. I think we all know that this would have never happened if the Office were still the Trolley. The injuries must be serious, because the last time I saw Kotch he looked nothing like a red-tailed hawk.

In all seriousness I'd like to wish him a speedy recovery, and I hope that Mountainside hoodlum gets what he deserves. If all goes well Kotch will get a hefty settlement, enabling him to quit his new job as "associate scientist" and can join me in a European retirement while waiting out 2012.

Terreaux is a dick

2010-02-22T13:59:00.004+01:00

I've walked through it virtually every day for the past 2 months and only just noticed.

I'm mega old

2010-02-21T10:29:00.008+01:00

I've been shaving my head for the past 6 months or so. I've finally started letting my hair grow a bit, just so the babes at The Smoking Dog know I'm not bald. This week, I noticed several gray hairs that weren't there the last time I had hair. No worries though; I've always looked forward to a bit of gray and having some of those Clooney vibes.
This weekend, some buddies from childhood visited me in Lyon. Very pleasant: I tried out a new pork recipe that went over really well, got to play the part of tour-guide which I always enjoy doing, and it was definitely nice to see some familiar faces. But my age showed again: rather than having wild times, we just reminisced about those we've already had. I'm mega old and life is sad.

photo: my bro Toth in the tie helping me out with the blog. He also let me borrow his llama sweater.

song of the century (of the week) : snowin' on raton

2010-02-15T00:10:00.002+01:00

with lots of snow in lots of places, it's a good time for this:

tuesday bro-zingin'

2010-02-09T14:50:00.004+01:00

I've been informed that Lyons (a person who has nothing to do with Lyon) reads this blog aloud to his roommates. And so...

Hi guys! It's me, Trevor! I'm a mediocre cyclist, like to wear ladies underwear on sunny days, and my nipples are so small I'm basically Aladin.
Swallow... out.

get a load of this guy:

A homely past

2010-02-06T22:43:00.011+01:00

France is full of beautiful women. See Lea or CRRH, for example. There is a lady to fall in love with every ~~10 ft~~ 3.048m, and all of these women were born of a line of women who presumably looked somewhat similar. Which is why I'm confused as to why every single woman in France that lived before the 20th century was mega-busted.

Upon arriving in France I decided I'd familiarize myself with the history of the country I'd be calling home. I felt an obligation to prove to the French, on behalf of The USA, that Americans are not stupid. This only lasted a day or two after the obligation to not be bored outweighed it, but during my intellectual pursuit I came across many women in France's history with compelling stories- women who broke out of the restrictive gender roles of their times to accomplish amazing things. Naturally anytime I came across one, I googleimagesearched her to gauge her babeage. I came up babeless every time. Even those women that history tells us were beautiful were umm, less than that.

Marie Antoinette is a perfect example. Any girl that dressed as a sexy cat for Halloween in high-school, will dress as Marie Antoinette once she gets to college because Marie Antoinette is supposedly one of the most attractive historical figures. But have you ever seen a portrait of the woman? I just don't get the hype. When I look at her I see the principal from Ferris Bueller in his role as some tertiary character in Sleepy Hollow.

I soon became obsessed with finding a notable babe in this country's past. I locked myself in my room and trolled the internet for what may have been weeks (I lost track of time but do remember hearing about some sort of terrorist underpants just as I began) eventually emerging bearded, hungry, and defeated.
My standards for babeage aren't unreasonable. A little intrigue goes a long way for me. I think a woman like Charlotte Gainsbourg (to keep it French) out-babes many of those would be considered conventionally beautiful. A woman like Madame de Stael could have easily qualified for babe of the century of the week (technically babe of the 18-19th century of the week) had she been only modestly pretty. It's not my intention to be a dick here and reduce a woman as impressive as de Stael to her appearance, but the fact that I was unable to find a SINGLE babe has shocked me into insensitivity. Is this some sort of misogynistic conspiracy? Were all the French portraitists of centuries past intentionally portraying their female subjects as brutish and man-faced to somehow debase their legacies?

I will buy breakfast for anyone that can find me a portrait of an attractive French woman taken before 1900. A painting intended to serve as art doesn't count; the artist in this case would likely have manipulated the model's appearance to improve the aesthetic of the painting. I'm after a portrait of someone whose existence can be proven. If nothing turns up, I'm going to declare France's past uglier than that of the USA's despite all of the USA's Native-genocide, slavery, and fusion-rock.

UPDATE

One reader reminded me that Marie Antoinette was in fact Austrian, however as her celebrity is a result of her role in France's history I maintain she's an apropos example.

In response to Flo's challenge, I present to you famed women's suffragist and patriot, Susan B Anthony (the B stands for babe).

silly french things: interns go on strike

2010-02-04T12:47:00.003+01:00

Really dudes? I'm pretty egalitarian but I don't even think Sir Thomas More envisioned rights for interns.

silly french things: delayed/prolonged teen rebellion

2010-02-01T17:00:00.010+01:00

I know that I'm a judgmental prick and I'm working on it. I'm glad the whole world doesn't share my smug NY zeitgeist; it's shitty and annoying and undeserved, and I hope to lose it soon. BUT I don't ever want to be so accepting that I don't at least question the character of a 35 year old with an eyebrow-ring & soul-patch combo that won't be photographed without leaning to the side while flashing a make-believe gang-sign.

Things work differently here in Lyon. There are people whose company I genuinely enjoy that fit this description, and listen to bands called "The Doberman Crew" that play "hardcore punk rap." These people are completely genuine about their affinity for this kind of shit, don't find it in the least bit embarrassing, and can't understand why anyone would. They honestly attend Limp Bizkit shows (who apparently still tour in Europe) without the faintest sense of irony, and think that rappers like TI are inauthentic because they only care about money. At first this was obviously off-putting, but these people have proven themselves to be excellent company. Is this the other French paradox, or has my repeated exposure to this kind of behavior from good people been a fluke? Because I'm resolute in my belief that this juggalo type is intolerable the world over.

This is supposed to be the most tasteful, stylish and refined country in the world (isn't it?) so how can this be happening? Again, I stress: these are stand-up guys. Are the juggalos I dismissed elsewhere potentially cool as well? I'm horribly confused. Someone help.

This is one of their anthems and I can't help but feel that the French dudes are disappointed that I, as an American, am not an "international hardcore superstar."

On NYE they must have played this song 15 times. I think they thought it would remind me of home, but it just reminded me of moms who dress up their babies as Tupac for Halloween.

Obama Rests his Ballz on Podium at House Republican's Retreat- GOP is Awestruck

2010-01-30T16:20:00.004+01:00

Oby pays a visit to house republicans and changes American politics forever (only those who watch the full 66:42 can accuse me of hyperbole).

At 11:56 witness a "hey get a load of this guy" for the ages. It's what this phrase was made for.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Adolph Bemoans Anfield Defeat

2010-01-25T13:27:00.001+01:00

So it's been a miserable season. Even with Saturday's win against Tottenham, Liverpool is really going to struggle to secure a spot in the top 4. The Gerrard and Torres injuries could be the nail in the coffin, and in all likelihood the franchise will end up playing in Pfizer stadium next year with a new coach and a roster full of no-names. But at least this season wasn't for nothing, it bummed out Hitler!

Liberia is gorges (on human flesh)

2010-01-19T21:46:00.012+01:00

I allllllllmost don't want to recommend this until it's available in its entirety, but part one of The Vice Guide To Liberia is now on VBS. Shit is bananas. I wish someone would make a feature-length blockbuster about this, or has one been made already? The Art of War doesn't count. It was mostly about Jared Leto's eyes, and secondarily about arms dealing in general and would have been the same movie had it involved any number of countries. Anyway, I'm sad I'm not there (there =VBS, there ≠ Liberia) to be a part of this, but stoked for the rest.

Speaking of bloody political conflicts that should be made into movies, why hasn't anyone touched the whole Allende/Pinochet and subsequent Orlando Letelier thing? Even a sloppy execution (did I just write the best pun of all time?) would virtually be guaranteed an Oscar nod. Also, the part of Kissinger would get Ben Stein his career back.

song of the century (of the week) : ashamed

2010-01-12T22:49:00.002+01:00

I've been chasing the elusive "independent thumb." For non-guitar players, an independent thumb is a technique in finger-picking by which the thumb plays a bassline while the other fingers play the syncopated, melodic notes. It's tough (at least for me) and so I've been singling out those songs that employ the technique most simply, to practice with. Deer Tick's ashamed is one of them. Major tunage below. If I could think of a less-gay way to say it I would, but the song is haunting. You can hear the original version with a questionable video here , but I prefer this inspired cover...

2010-01-11T19:08:00.003+01:00

I'd like to be doing this through France within the next year or so, except with Mr Chavanne's Triumph and Dallas, my trusty old doberman. Remember her?

via http://4qconditioning.blogspot.com/

the best joke in the world

2010-01-08T00:19:00.002+01:00

This is the best joke in the world.

What's the difference between a rectal and an oral thermometer?
*punchline after the jump

Can you believe this guy didn't get it/think it was funny ? What a dick.

we're completely fucked: blue gold

2010-01-05T18:40:00.017+01:00

I just watched Flow, a documentary on water. Essentially it's an attack on the privatization of the world's drinkable water supply, which is an evil monster that must be stopped [monster=privatization, monster≠ water]. As I get older, I'm less reluctant/embarrassed to actually care about things, which I used to think was just for self-satisfied teenagers half-way through The Communist Manifesto. So here goes...

It bothers me that environmentalism is considered a left-wing issue. This association makes it too easy (arguably obligatory) for 1/2 of the country (US) to discredit it, simply out of party allegiance. It just doesn't make sense; Rush Limbaugh and Al Franken put the same water in their fat annoying mouths. I've never understood how such little importance could be placed on the most important thing in the world: the wooorrrld. We're running out of drinking water and concrete, immediate steps must be delineated to solve the problem before we're faced with a global crisis- not vague "promises" for paltry reductions in pollutants over the next 10-15 years. Shit is going down, like, now. That's why even though I'm a huge Obama supporter (here's a photo of my new Oby tat) I was really bummed out and disappointed by his failure to sign any binding agreements for Carbon reduction at the Summit in Copenhagen a few weeks ago. Although, he may have regrown his ballz by barging into a secret earth-destruction meeting and coming out with some sort of improved accord.

This kind of shortsightedness is what caused the dinosaurs to go extinct, when they decided to forgo plans for a meteor-proof global dome in favor of ramping up efforts to eat smaller dinosaurs or plants, and sometimes both.

There are 1000 different micro-causes to rally around within the issue of clean drinking water, but if you're in America I suggest you go with Atrazine . It's a widely used chemical in the US, and is going to turn all of our dudes into chicks! Go start a facebook group or something, I don't know. Things are getting scary, and caring isn't gay anymore.

squattin' in the new year

2010-01-05T00:42:00.002+01:00

A bit late, but I just came across the only end-of-the-decade blog-post that isn't annoying. The Decade in Super Squats, by Hamilton Nolan (via THE AWL). Read it if you dig muscles bro.

in the wake of avatar - a fetishist revolution

2010-01-04T18:55:00.005+01:00

I have a feeling this whole Avatar craze is going to inspire some of the most unusual parody porn of the ~~decade~~ century.

The dialogue is going to include things like "Scully, your mission is to infiltrate the Na'vi." Then Scully suggestively replies "Oh yea, I think I can handle that." It's a euphemism for sex, you guys! And there will be no shortage of blue-balls jokes.

I don't even want to think about the fetishism that will arise from this movie. Get ready for the furries of the future. But how do you think these things fck anyway? Do they have genitalia comparable to humans'? Do they entwine those tentacly things at the ends of their hair, and it's kind of like a Coneheads vibe?

Not that the hype-machine needs another sprocket, but really, this is the most mesmerizing thing I've seen since LOTR, and in much the same way (I'd love to see what Peter Jackson could have done with this kind of 3D work). If you're one of the 10 people that still hasn't seen it , I suggest you do so right away, and in 3D. Although if you are one of those people you probably don't have internet access and couldn't be reading this anyway.

update: one of my 5 readers informs me the scene was cut from the theatrical version, but in the special edition dvd you will in fact be able to watch Scuzzy and Nairobi mate!

get a load of this Christmas nightmare

2010-01-02T02:12:00.011+01:00

I had a very nice Christmas. One of my roommates invited me to her family dinner, which was held at her cousins' house in a charming little town just outside of Lyon. The dinner was delicious and the company very pleasant, which is why there is absolutely no point in writing about it.
This however, is a Christmas story worth telling. Jesus-Christ.

*fittingly told by another former Jersey bro living in France.

the musclehead's dilemma

2009-12-31T02:48:00.007+01:00

I like being jacked for the most part. It's comforting to know that at any given moment if something insanely heavy is placed in front of me, I'll be able to lift it well over my head and probably send it hurdling into the stratosphere. It's kind of like the way survivalists stash tuna, ammo, and water, but I stash muscles. Aside from my ability to fulfill this hypothetical need, being jacked is pretty much useless.

Re: chicks- Some people think it helps with women. Not so. The only circumstance in which muscles offer a competitive advantage is at the beach, which is only for 2 months out of the year, and what kind of scumbag picks up at the beach anyway? Any girl that's ever kept me company did so as a result of exhaustive courtship or booze, with muscles playing little to no part.

Re: health and wellness- It’s true weight training is part of a healthy lifestyle. Obviously it strengthens muscles but also improves sleep, the immune system, bone density, combats depression, whatever whatever whatever. Any of the health benefits one gains from weight training can just as easily be gained from a steady regimen of pushups, pull-ups, and cardio, and in nearly half the time. I probably spend 3 of every 5 minutes at the gym resting in between sets. It’s totally inefficient.

Re: athletic prowess- “Hey bros, want to head down to the quad this weekend for a shot-put sesh?” That probably isn’t going to happen. I play soccer and ride bicycles. My rippling muscles do little to help me in these endeavors, other than making me look picturesque while doing them.

Why being jacked is a bummer
A guy I know told me a story I really enjoy; He’s at a concert, and a companion of his suggests they take their shirts off. A man in front of them overhears, takes his shirt off, turns around all slowly and sternly, and emblazoned on his chest is a tattoo that reads "shirts are for work." Awesome. Some of the poetry is lost in my telling here, but that's the gist. I could NEVER do that shit. I’m far too jacked. It's a shame, because everything is more fun with a shirt off. Think of one thing that isn't. Even something that would be horribly uncomfortable, like ice fishing, would be more fun without a shirt for at least a few minutes for the sheer novelty of it.
But if I take my shirt off anywhere outside of the bedroom, the shower, or the beach I seem like an asshole showing of his muscles. I suppose I could posture like one of those “I don’t care what people think” people, but I really never bought that line. EVERYONE cares what other people think, it's why society works. Anyone who doesn't is either a drug addict or a lunatic. Instead, I sit on the sidelines watching all the shirtless fun pass me by like a prisoner at a Viking party, shackled by my own muscles.

So that's my curse. At this point, being jacked is so much a part of me I can’t imagine being any other way. Even if I wanted to, my muscles are so rampant that getting rid of them would be as difficult and ineffectual as getting al-Qaida out of Iraq. No turning back now.

blogiquette

2009-12-29T01:06:00.005+01:00

1. Is posting the idea for a comic strip instead of actually posting the comic strip a blog-foul?
2. Does anyone with some spare initiative (I left mine in New Jersey) want to draw a comic strip in my vision?

early Stanley Brothers

2009-12-26T13:46:00.010+01:00

Ralph is the short one. Still doing it years later.

silly french things: apartment numbers- there aren't any

2009-12-24T13:32:00.025+01:00

I'm a decent gifter. One of my roommates smokes a lot, always out of an open window, and being winter she has to awkwardly cocoon herself in a blanket while doing so. I ordered her a a Snuggie for Christmas- the perfect smoker's blanket. For the other, I ordered a set of Hulk Hands, and obviously ordered an extra pair for myself. It has been about 10 days now and the gifts still haven't arrived, nor has the pocket French-English dictionary which I ordered in early December. La Poste (the French postal service) has effectively ruined Christmas; I'm left giftless and unable to communicate with anyone at the dinner table.
Until today it was a mystery to me why La Poste is such shit, but after a bit of analysis I think I've figured it out: they don't have apartment numbers. In my building alone there are 18 mailboxes, many of which have multiple last names in no particular order. When the postman arrives at my building with a bundle of mail, he has to read through every one of these names in order to find the intended recipient, & must do this at every building on his route. This is completely inefficient and must waste hours each day. I'd probably be typing in Hulk Hands RIGHT NOW (it'd read something like, "uorwqesd754as^78%&$IIUL") if the French would just adopt the obvious and practical system of numbering apartments. Olivia Williams realizes this at about 50 seconds, and she's never the same again.

babe of the century (of the week): Croix-Rousse red-head

2009-12-22T00:41:00.014+01:00

I go to the market at the top of Croix-Rousse a few times a week. I started off going for the amazing local produce and meat, but these days the food is a lesser incentive. I go to see this week's babe of the century. She lives in 2 photos on display at a hairdresser, just at the peak of the hill. She's the first thing to greet me upon arriving at the top, and makes finishing the modest climb as glorious as summiting Olympus.

Things I would do for a date with Croix-Rousse red-head:
1. Live in Clark, NJ
2. Make out with a star-nosed mole
3. Been one of the passengers forced to spend 14 hours in the Chunnel

major babeage at its major babest:

photo credit- Popo's iPhone
www.popographie.fr

punk as fuck

2009-12-18T02:25:00.007+01:00

I'm not sure if it's because I'm not a nerd, or because I am a nerd, but I don't hear about things on the internet until months (years?) after they happen. Either way, these kids are the most punk thing to happen since Minor Threat.

get a load of these little fatties

regards, ham

2009-12-16T13:31:00.009+01:00

delicious AND cordial

song of the century (of the week)

2009-12-13T03:15:00.008+01:00

This is my favorite rendition of Will The Circle be Unbroken, and a whole lotta impressive musicians have given the song a crack. The video makes Iris Dement a contender for babe of the century (of the week) as well, which is the heygetaloadofthisguy equivalent of EGOTing . I watch this at least once every other week and it still excites me, which is why it is this week's song of the century.

get a load of this guy, and this guy, and this guy and this guy...

2009-12-12T23:07:00.010+01:00

This comes courtesy of Stevil over at All Hail the Black Market. It could definitely benefit from some Tom Bergeron commentary, but It's the funniest thing I've seen since this thing .

the tragedy of translation

2009-12-12T19:01:00.007+01:00

The French have many admirable cultural attributes, but toughness isn't one of them. Generally speaking the French are dandies; it took me 2 weeks to find a gym and it doesn't even have a squat rack! COME ON bros. Today I watched Live Free or Die Hard (boringly titled Die Hard 4 here) in French and as a result it was laaame. It sounded as if Bruce Willis was professing his love to every person he threatened to kill. Action is best served English.

get a load of rosetta stone.1

2009-12-10T16:41:00.007+01:00

What is with this guy? Does he have aspergers? Ok bro, your house is bigger. Now she's really impressed and thinks you have a big wang too and she's definitely going to sleep with you, and doesn't think you're a pathetic asshole at all.

Jim Jarmusch

2009-12-08T20:56:00.000+01:00

Rearranging the syllables in a name can sometimes be hilarious. Today I discovered the most epicly funny of such arrangements, and will give 1 million dollars to anyone who can find its equal.

behold: Jar Jim-musch

star-nosed monster

2009-12-08T14:01:00.000+01:00

It was recently brought to my attention that moles are ugly. I had thought they were cute modestly sized groundhog-like creatures, but it turns out I was wrong. They're tiny and nearly eyeless and while I'll agree they're classifiable as ugly, moles are still passably cute . One subspecies of mole however, misses the passable mark by a long shot. The star-nosed mole is without question the ugliest thing I've ever seen. It's a complete monstrosity. Ewwwww fucking gross. I suppose beauty is subjective, but I dare anyone to disagree. Even a regular mole- which hasn't the mental capacity to judge anything beyond "edible? threatening? fuckable?" or the eyesight to differentiate between a blob of jello and Eiffel Tower- would burrow itself to China (assuming it's an American mole) if it were to ever come across this atrocity of nature.

I won't post a full photo here, as that would be an affront to the 10 people that care enough to read this, but if you're daring enough check it out here (NSFW) . Can you imagine being tied down while this little freak pokes you all over with its slimy little face tentacles? Because now that I've seen it I can't imagine anything else.

get a load of this guy:

se charge que de cette ville

2009-12-05T17:58:00.000+01:00

So I live in France now. I'll be following up with some more details, but suffice it to say everything is fantastic and everyone has been very welcoming, my roommates especially. By welcoming I mean forcing booze, cheese, and various forms of pork down my throat like I were a foie grois goose. Speaking of food, people weren't kidding about its quality: everything tastes better. It's less a result of the preparation but rather because everything is so fresh compared to American standards. An egg here is from a chicken just outside of the city that would be considered "free range local organic" in America, but here is just "a chicken." Anyway here's a look at my apartment building, I'm on the first floor. If you zoom in close enough you may be able to see me doing push-ups in a beret.

Kick ass America, I'm spreading your gospel

View Larger Map

babe of the century (of the week) : Lea Seydoux

2009-11-25T05:06:00.004+01:00

This week's babe of century is Léa Seydoux. I first noticed her in an American Apparel ad in VICE a couple of years ago, and her face stuck with me. The photo wasn't entirely flattering but it was easy to see she was a fun time and a major babe through the calculated grime AA often employs in its ads. I hadn't heard of or about her again until she made an appearance in Inglorious Basterds as one of the daughters of farmer LaPadite in the best opening scene of all time. Apparently she is a pretty well established actress/model (model/actress?) in France and is 1/2 the reason I'm moving there.

Things I would do for a shot at Léa Seydoux:
1.cut the pinky off of my right hand without any numbing agents (need the left to play beautiful chords to woo her)
2.vote Palin/Beck 2012
3.climb a rope covered in centipedes
4.listen to a tape of Matt Marks singing Wonderwall on repeat for 48 hours while fasting

measurements in eurospeak- height 168 / bust 85 / waist 60 / hips 90 / shoes 37 / hair drk. blonde / eyes hazel

enjoy perverts

The guy from The Wire dies in 2012

2009-11-25T04:18:00.003+01:00

I'm no film critic- last week I watched Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins, and LOVED it- but I can say with 100 percent certainty that 2012 sucks ballz. Sure the chick from Saving Silverman is hot and John Cusack is unfailingly likable, but that wasn't enough. What bothered me the most was how [spoiler alert!!!too late?]Rob Gordon and his family are literally inches away from being swallowed up by the earth throughout the entire movie. I get escaping the jaws of the earth's fault lines one or two times, but from beginning to end the rifts are nipping at their heels, as if the earth gives a shit about any individual family. It's like watching the coyote try to catch the road runner, except without any of the (intentionally) funny slapstick.

Whatever. The point is, it's worth seeing if you were a fan of The Wire and want to see some sweet righteous justice served. Remember Scott Templeton? That smarmy, hoodwinking bag of dicks with the thinning hair who ruined The Baltimore Sun and Gus' career, and is shown receiving a Pulitzer in the final moments of the greatest show ever? HE DIES and it's fantastic! Finally some closure. I only wish Gus and Mcnulty could have been there to see it, but unfortunately they had already been killed by crustal displacement.

get a load of Tigam-biddies

2009-11-24T18:33:00.000+01:00

Brautigam threw a sick rager last night. To have not have had fun you'd have to either be a grownup or from Cranford. It made me question, as I have for all my friends, whether I'd actually find time to genuinely miss him over the next howeverlongimgone. Then I realized I don't have to, because I have this: a collection of Tigam's away messages. With its mixture of irrelevant rap quotes, spontaneous provocations, assertions of superiority, occasional vulnerability (it's there if you read between the lines), and chronic references to New Jersey, reading through this is arguably more like having a conversation with Tigam than actually having a conversation with Tigam.

Thanks buddy

beck and ballz

2009-11-15T05:07:00.002+01:00

Revisiting an old clip here, but watch 2:02- 2:15 for the worst analogy in the history of terrible analogies.

Becky likens Marcel Reid (a former chair of ACORN) to Rosa Parks for uhhhh standing up? In case you miss the point, big baby Becky puts it in simpler terms; "this woman is not sitting down."
Yo G-Bubz, that is kind of exactly what Rosa Parks did not not do.
Someone please give this bumbling baby a refresher on the Civil Rights Movement, it will at the very least help him to more effectively hate black people.

mind the gap

2009-11-13T06:11:00.000+01:00

I nominate Gap's GO HO HO ad as the Saved By Zero of '09. I don't know why this ad elicits such rage but I really want one of those tumbling little cheer goblins to land on his/her/its neck. I think this is what bioethicists call the wisdom of repugnance. The ad doesn't have the ubiquity that made SBZ all the more intolerable, YET, but it's a new campaign- we'll see where this goes.

Crispin Porter? More like Crispin Mortar!! ...because it feels like a mortar shell is blowing up in my brain every time I see this spot! Heyoo am I right people? But seriously you guys, what the fuck? This ad sucks ballz.

There's even a site where you can apparently tailor the ads to your very own personalized version of awful. Viral indeed.

And for all you nostalgic masochists out there:

get a load of driscoll

2009-11-09T03:48:00.001+01:00

later dude

from Kyle, to Chris, re: Cahill

2009-11-08T20:37:00.001+01:00

"I've never questioned the company you keep until some fat fuck told me to get beers for the table. Thanks for inviting me out."

get a load of justice

2009-11-04T06:36:00.006+01:00

Remember that ~~terrorist~~ motorist Dr. Christopher Thomas Thompson, from over the summer that nearly killed 2 cyclist for riding double breast? California told him to suck it! And what's with your name bro? Did Charles Dickens write you?

get a load of this beatnik

2009-10-27T04:20:00.001+01:00

I drew a lot in high school. Mostly graffiti, which is of course embarrassing, but I was also on my way to becoming an able portraitist. Once college hit, I gave up art because art is for fags. Instead I decided to focus on muscles, specifically biceps and abs (you've probably noticed). Since then my drawing has been limited to dicks, swastikas (ironically) and the occasional drunken sketch .

Now that I'm retired, I have considerable free time on my hands. With that and the move to Lyon, I've decided to pick up the pen once again. Can you imagine how many babes I'll pull sketching in front of Saint-Nizier, as the brooding American, all alone with nothing but his pen, pad, and a vision? Poisson in a barrel!

So here is one from the glory days, alongside a current attempt at the same image. I'll give it another whack in a few weeks and see how it's progressed with a bit of practice.

get a load of this junkie

2009-10-25T20:14:00.000+01:00

drisdan takes his first steps

drink a load of Jäger

2009-10-25T20:00:00.002+01:00

ayyy getting weird in new orleans. don't go gambling when you start seeing things like this:

ayyy get a load of my sophomore roommate

2009-10-25T19:23:00.001+01:00

sick abs Caso

get a load of this breakthrough idea

2009-10-19T21:14:00.001+02:00

Last night I had a dream in which I came up with the most brilliant idea for a video game since ever. It was to revolutionize gaming, and in my sleep I realized this. My conscious self told my dreaming self to hang on to this one, and so when I woke up I rushed to my computer to begin development, change the world, and get rich as titties. Things got pretty disappointing from there. The idea?
Madden meets Jurassic Park with super heroes. Basically each team would field a mixed roster of real players, dinos, and super heroes.
$$$$$cha-ching$$$$$$$

get a load of this bag

2009-09-16T18:00:00.000+02:00

suck it turtle

get a load of this piss list - Bob the rebelelious wizz kid

2009-09-16T05:20:00.000+02:00

There are few people I truly admire. These people are; that guy who cut his arm off with a swiss army knife when he was stuck between some rocks (for ballz and will), Tony Kukoc (for being white and playing basketball reasonably well), my father (for the unyielding resolution to finish any thought he begins regardless of who, if anyone, is listening), Jordin Sparks (for "Battlefield." Even if she didn't write it, she OWNED it), BikesnobNYC (for this ), annnnnd Bob- for pissing on/at bars in unconventional places. Generally that place is the bar itself (meaning the wooden structure at which drinks are served) but as anyone who's been out with him on more than a handful of occasions knows, no place is safe.

The very best of us get annoying eventually. Eventually, even the most innocuous idiosyncrasies become nagging imperfections. It's easier to admire someone from afar. From afar, those imperfections stay out of focus. Without that shield of distance, the only way I can admire a person is for that person to have a trait so marvelous it not only shines through all the shit that composites most people, but it blasts all the rest of it away. It annihilates every bad characteristic in its wake. It is an atom bomb. It is a nuclear trait.

Bob's nuclear trait is bar-pissing. He is a total dickhead and I can think of a million reasons to hate him, and yet he is one of my dearest friends. The reason I've put up with all of his dickery for all of these years is because when we're at a bar together, he's likely to piss on it. For this, I admire him. For this, he is my friend.

I'd like to compile a list of every bar Bob has ever pissed on. Here are 2 to start you off, we'll nail down the rest in the comments.

PHILLY:
-The Khyber

NEW YORK:
-One and One

get a load of this hypothesis on reptilian mating habits

2009-08-06T19:09:00.000+02:00

get a load of this interplanetary beefcake

2009-07-30T20:48:00.001+02:00

work it shorty from bob jones on Vimeo.

Mike Daniels of VBS fame

get a load of this furry faggo

2009-07-29T23:54:00.002+02:00

ewoks yo from bob jones on Vimeo.

you may remember him as the tertiary ewok in Leatherheads:
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2530314752/nm1151899

get a load of this bizniz professional.

2009-07-29T18:15:00.000+02:00

just a friendly email to a couple of bros at 1 am.

VICE Magazine not humiliated at 8th annual Adidas Fanatic Tournament

2009-07-22T16:25:00.007+02:00

"VICE soccer team didn’t completely lose a tournament like usual and the guys won’t stop talking about it."

Because I'm the best player , I don't feel comfortable telling you who the best player is.

This logo almost happened:

2009-06-27T01:08:00.000+02:00

das pancakes!!!!!!

pancakes

the adventures of racist John

2009-06-26T20:05:00.002+02:00

get a load of this mench

2009-06-13T01:47:00.002+02:00

turtle justice

2009-05-20T17:34:00.001+02:00

Untitled from bob jones on Vimeo.